This post has been a long time coming. It’s taken me a while
to not only figure out what to say, but to gain enough distance to say it.
On November 9th, an aneurysm burst in my brother’s brain.
Sixty percent of the time, that’s instantly fatal. My brother had a headache.
It was a bad headache – so much so that he doesn’t remember
much of the next twenty-four hours. But he got home from work and slept for
much of that time and, once he woke up on Tuesday night, he called his
workplace and they told him he’d refused to go in the ambulance (he vaguely
remembered sitting on a guerney) and that, despite their best efforts, he
insisted on driving himself home (my brother is a big man—I understand their
reluctance to forcibly taking the keys from him).
When he emailed the family Tuesday night (the 10th), my
sister and I both strongly encouraged him to go to the doctor Wednesday
morning. Okay, we yelled at him to do so.
Long story short, he ended up in the emergency room of the
local hospital, the staff of which knew immediately what had happened. They
didn’t have the facilities to deal with an aneurysm that was now bleeding into
the brain and had been for nearly thirty-six hours. By ambulance they sent him
to a larger hospital where, after getting his blood pressure under control,
they inserted a platinum coil into the aneurysm (going in through the groin)
and plugged it.
That procedure was a success. Unfortunately, he had a
hemorrhagic stroke a half an hour after he came out of recovery. Those types of
strokes are also usually fatal—immediately. The brain swelled, they rushed him
into surgery again and, the upshot was, they removed a large (nearly a third)
of his skull in order to 1) drain the blood and 2) allow the brain room.
Yes, he survived the stroke as well. He’s batting two for
two. I didn’t need to look far for a Christmas Miracle this year.
In those early days, traveling down to see him, to consult
with nurses and doctors, I didn’t have much time to think. My brother isn’t
married and has no children. He lives alone and his circle of friends are
mostly his co-workers. He lives two and a half hours away from me, three and a
half hours from my parents. Close enough to make the round trip in a single
day. I drove it once a week (sometimes twice) and made decisions as his health
care proxy—decisions that often needed to be made in moments with little time
to think.
Some decisions I made with my parents’ input, but many I
made on my own. I signed the paper that let them take his skull off. I signed
the paper that let them put it back once the swelling went down. I signed the
paper that put a tracheostomy in his throat and the paper that moved him from
the hospital to an acute rehab facility. I signed them all.
I hold my brother’s life in my hands. I have avoided
thinking about the responsibility, but responsibility has a way of lurking in
the background, waiting for a crack, a small vulnerability it can exploit. Once
that crack forms, all the guilt, second-guessing, and endless replaying of
events pours into one’s soul and burdens one’s shoulders.
For me, that crack formed a week and a half before Christmas.
There was no bed for him in any facility anywhere in New York State. He had to
be transferred to a facility in Scranton, Pennsylvania – a full hour further
away. I hung up the phone after giving permission and cried for over an hour. I
told my husband I thought I needed therapy because I was losing my grip. His
solution? He called a friend of mine who didn’t even think twice. She took the
next day off from work and came over to help me bake Christmas cookies. We had
a great day talking things out and she helped me gain perspective again,
reordering some of my priorities and helping me to see I wasn’t a bad sister
for making the decisions I had.
Is it any wonder I love the man? He’s been my rock, in more
ways than I can count.
Now here I stand, on the first day of the New Year, with
many more decisions to be made. My brother never made out a will, never
appointed anyone to act as Power of Attorney should he need one. If you’re
reading this and you haven’t? MAKE THAT YOUR PRIMARY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION.
Because his cognitive functions are impaired, his neurologist has declared him
unable to sign such documents now. That means we have to get a court-appointed guardian
for him so we can do simple things, like pay his bills.
And yes, my husband and I worked with an attorney last year
and filed our wills. The lawyer also strongly suggested designating POA’s and
Health Care Proxies at the same time. We took his advice. If both of us are
incapacitated, there are those with the power to take over our financials. I
also made up a “Where Things Are” list and gave copies to all the parties
involved. Our bank accounts, our credit cards, our debts and our savings are
all listed so they don’t have to dig and do too much in the way of financial
forensics. MAKE A LIST LIKE THAT AS YOUR SECOND NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION. The
peace of mind is worth it.
My brother had neither of those. The stress and amount of
work we’re doing to handle this is overwhelming at times. DETERMINING A SUPPORT
SYSTEM FOR YOURSELF SHOULD BE YOUR THIRD RESOLUTION. I’m still finding mine. My
husband is first, my girlfriend and her husband are my backups. I’m working on
expanding that circle this year (sharing breakdowns isn’t easy for me. I’m the
one everyone vents to – I don’t do the venting).
The snow has finally arrived this winter. Right now we’re
getting that big, fluffy Christmas snow that turns the world into a beautiful
wonderland of white. I am grateful it held off as long as it did – it made the
traveling I had to do in December that much safer by its absence. Today I will
enjoy it – for that’s my biggest New Year’s Resolution: Enjoy the moments, big
or small, because you never know when an aneurysm is going to burst in your
brother’s brain and change your life completely.
Play safe,
Diana
2 comments:
Diana, you're so very strong. I know you can handle this, and whatever else life throws your way. I'm so happy your brother is doing better. Hang in there! You know your Scribes sisters will always support you.
Lynn
Lynn, I'm a firm believer that God never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes I just wish he wouldn't think I can handle so much! LOL My Scribe sisters are the best! I really appreciate you guys.
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