Monday, October 24, 2011

BDSM and abuse


I’ve been trying to write this post for almost three weeks. Every time I start, I stumble, trying to find the right words to express my concerns and frustrations regarding the comparison of the subject matter in my books to real life.

I write erotic romance that contain elements of the BDSM kink. I primarily tell my stories from the female point of view although, through research and interviews over the years with many in the lifestyle, I think I’ve gotten a pretty good handle on the male side of the story as well. All of my stories have male Doms and female subs although a few books also have appearances by Dommes and their male submissives.

I’ve written in the past (scroll down the page to read it) about the line between a BDSM D/s relationship and an abusive one, but I think it bears repeating (I know I wrote another post, but I can’t find the link at the moment). I’ve recently been reminded that not all men (or women) who claim to be Doms really are; some people are emotional or physical abusers. Likewise, not all who claim to be submissive really are; some people are just broken.

Submissiveness MUST come from a place of strength. The woman (or man) MUST understand her own sense of self-worth BEFORE entering into any sort of power exchange. To do so without that rock to anchor to, is to set oneself adrift and open oneself to abuse.

Likewise, a Dom(me) must also have a realistic sense of self-worth and not one that’s overly-inflated. A power-exchange scene is heady enough without an uncontrolled ego getting in the way.

I’m including this link concerning abusive relationships specifically for the Basic Rights in a Relationship section partway down the page. It’s absolutely wonderful and applies to ALL relationships, vanilla or BDSM included. It is a must-read for all couples of any persuasion.

If you think you are in an abusive relationship, GET OUT NOW. Don’t wait. Leave and go to a friend’s house, a relative’s or the nearest shelter. You don’t have to wait for permission from anyone, you don’t have to wait for anything. Just GO.

I know that sounds like a drastic step, but distance helps the abused gain perspective. Right now it seems like the world is small and there is no one to help you. But remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are lots of people who are willing to help you. You, however, have to take the first step. It’s the hardest step to take, but once you reach out, there are lots of people who’s arms are ready to catch you.

And if you know someone in an abusive situation, be there for him or her. You cannot force them to recognize the abuse but you can give them hugs and hold them when they need it.

Serious post tonight – but it needed to be said. Tomorrow look for the next writing workshop and above all...

Play safe!
Diana



2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. It's sad that it needs to be said (and repeated over and over) but it does. BDSM is not abuse. Submissives are not and should not be doormats. Know yourself. Value yourself. Set boundaries (as a Top or bottom) and enforce those boundaries.

Quotes from the front, "I'm a masochist, not a moron." and "I'm a sadist, not stupid."

Thank you again, Diana, for being real.

Diana said...

Thank YOU, Anon -- you said it very well!

Diana